Theories, Only Awesome

I am about to drop a bomb on you. That’s right; this is going to blow your mind. It’s an explanation for two of the greatest mysteries known to man. Now while I admit I have no evidence to support my claims, actual evidence for these mysteries is essentially impossible to exist. Instead I shall demonstrate the ways in which my answer makes sense. It is a theory and nothing more, but a groundbreaking theory and therefore must be shared.

Let us start simple. We have life. Now, let’s think about how life is. Some people will say it is glorious and magnificent, while others will claim it to be hell and punishment. Let’s all be honest here though. Life is neither one nor the other. Overall it’s ok, kind of a mixed bag. You have your ups and your downs, your kicks to the groin (like the death of a family member), and your moments on cloud nine (like getting laid for the first time).

New topic now. At one point in our lives many of us have experienced something and felt like we had done, been, or seen the same thing before even though it is impossible. Sometimes it’s so strong that we almost know what is going to happen next (but if you have noticed it’s never anything helpful, what the hell is up with that?). It is crazy and in explainable. It is called déjà vu.

Finally we have something for all you fun loving Catholics out there (yes Catholics have fun too, and not just with little boys). There is this magical place referred to as, wait for it, drum roll please……..it’s: Purgatory (yay, crowd goes wild, people cheer, confetti is everywhere). Although, I guess the crowd should actually just go “meh” as that is what purgatory is essentially supposed to be like. It’s ok, you got shit to do to make up for your sins and what not, but its sure not like living in hell, getting a pineapple shoved up your ass ala Hitler in Little Nicky (yes, if you haven't seen it, Hitler spends every morning having a pineapple forcebly inserted into his anus by the devil).

Now let’s start piecing this together shall we. Most of the intelligent readers have already caught on to one of the ideas (if you’re not one of them I’ll give you one more chance to read the previous paragraphs, if you still don’t know you should probably just stop reading this now as it will all be over your head, thanks for stopping by, I’ll write a children’s book for you next time). Sorry random tangent there, but yes I was comparing life to purgatory. I don’t need to run through the definitions again I’m sure so seriously, do they not sound eerily similar? Could it not be possible that this is just a chance to make up for our previous errors? But wait if this is a chance to make up for our errors in the past than when was the past that we committed said errors?

Yay, the best part of this whole article, the explanation of déjà vu. What would explain déjà vu? We all have mystical powers and can see the future? If that were the case there would be a lot of gypsies living on the street (well I mean still living on the street, only with less money to afford their crystal balls and such). I have a better suggestion. Perhaps those crazy Hindus were on to something with their reincarnation idea. Perhaps after we die we are born again into the same life and live it over and over. This could explain déjà vu and even those crazier occurrences of having déjà vu about having déjà vu. Sometimes you feel like you have had the same experience like five times and you even remember having déjà vu about it the fourth, third and second time. This explains it all. Hooray crazy harebrained ideas are coming together.

Now, wait, I am not done. I did say I was going to explain two things which I sort of did already, but each still sounds crazy and farfetched. However as the elite of you may have started contemplating already these ideas tie together to form one MEGA IDEA, duh duh duhhh. Reincarnation is purgatory!!! What you say, how could this be? Well let’s examine. You live your life the first time. You suck at it, way to go, fail-tacular, you sinned one too many damn times (especially that hooker in Vegas during your bachelor party) but you did work at that soup kitchen once, hooray you don’t quit deserve damnation. Instead you get to live your life over again as a form of punishment known as……. Purgatory, good job. Now you go along this time and, you decide not to fornicate with said hooker this time (possibly due to déjà vu and then realizing what was about to happen would end with your fiancée leaving you), however you then went on to cheat on your wife after you got married, way to go moron. You did however work at the soup kitchen still so hooray, still no hell. But guess what, another dose of purgatory for you! This of course brings on possibilities for the early mentioned déjà vu of déjà vu. This goes on and on until finally you become a priest or something (and again, I am not talking about those that get it on with small children, pretty sure that’s a big enough setback to get you the Hitler punishment). Anyway this goes on and on and assumedly if and when we get it right, hooray heaven, here we come.

To sum up for those clueless people from earlier who didn’t stop reading when I told them to, I have explained what purgatory is and déjà vu. We live our lives over and over again due to the fact that we slept with a hooker, took one too many hits off the crack pipe, kicked that baby just to see how far he would go etc. etc. and thus get stuck reincarnated as a form of purgatory so that we can get it right this time. Then since we live our lives over again we remember moments from the previous life resulting in déjà vu. I have now explained déjà vu, life and purgatory, any questions? Well I don’t care if you have any but feel free to leave them anyway.

Disclaimer: This in no way reflects my personal beliefs and is meant to screw with gullible people. However wouldn’t that be cool as shit if this all turned out to be right.

Random Musings

Heres some random thoughts and experiences from a day in my life at college junior year. I'm not at the same point in my life now but a lot of it still stands true. This may helo you get a feel for things I think about and how I operate. Maybe some of you can identify with a few of these?


I take a drink of my full glass of Pepsi. I'm not thirsty but it's the socially accepted, and more importantly expected action when sitting alone in a cafe with a full drink. Otherwise I;m just sitting here by myself staring at the table and who wants to be that guy?



I can't tickle. I always feel more like I'm awkwardly trying to grope the person and nobody wants that. If you do let me know and I'll toss you my number, digits or whatever your preferred wording is for how to call someone.



A guy just sat down and started talking to me while I was reading. I had just just finished the chapter I was on. It's the best thing thats happened to me this week.



I ordered onions and those little ears of corn or whatever they are at the Mongolian grill. I don't really like either but I feel like the guy at the grill would judge me for telling him I only wanted beef and rice in a bowl.

People are down on the psychotic community these days but I feel like they live much more exciting lives than most.



People say it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. However, if you have never loved at all than you have no idea what your missing, especially with the person you would have lost. You can't miss what you never had.

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A Trip to the Cinema

Now some of you may not have the luxury that I do of a cheap night at the local theatre, where one can purchase a ticket to any showing for the low price of $5, but I am glad to say that I do. This makes movies easily affordable to attend. Why am I saying this? Well because people often question why and how I go to the movies so often and I figured that price would be a good place to start.

So to the point of this blog. As I just mentioned I am often questioned about my movie watching and the reasons for it. Granted a lot of the questions/criticism I get for my hobby are due to the movie selections that I take part in viewing. I must admit when it comes to movies I will watch almost anything in theatres. For example one of my latest movies: "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past". I have even seen movies the likes of "The Devil Wears Prada", "The Lake House", "Doogle" (by far my least favorite movie ever), and even "The Notebook". That’s not to say that those are the only movies I watch. I see everything in theatres. Whether it be some action packed blockbuster, a random Indie film, a good old fashioned comedy or yes even the afore mentioned "chick flick" I will watch them all. Thus the questions of why would I watch a movie that, even before stepping into the cinema, I feel is going to be terrible. The answer is very simple. No matter the movie, good or bad, it’s going to be a fun experience.

This is where so many people have lost it these days. Sure it’s great to go see a movie that instantly becomes your favorite movie of all time (Elizabethtown for me), but that can't happen every time. The question is does this matter and the answer is a resounding no! To explain I shall use the movie "Doogle". For those who don't know, and I hope that’s a lot of you because boy was it bad, "Doogle" is an animated movie starring a bunch of animal characters. Another one of those classic scenario little kid movies and all. Or so I thought going into it. 45 minutes after sitting down I found myself sitting in my seat begging for even the slightest punch line at which I would be able to muster even the slightest of chuckles. Then another 45 minutes had passed, the credits were rolling and the occasion still had not arisen. Instead I was left with the heart-sinking knowledge that I had just witnessed not only the least funny animated movie of all time but also possible the worst overall movie I had ever paid to see.

At first glance that experience should have been terrible. I should have walked out of the viewing room, demanded my money back and gone home grumbling about the hour and a half of my life that I had just wasted and would never get back. What I have yet to mention however, is that I was not alone in the viewing of this atrocity. Joining me in the witnessing of mans' worst creation since the clothing styles of the 80's were my brother and a friend. Together we watched in horror as animated movies everywhere screamed in agony. Then we got up, went outside, looked at each other and started laughing hysterically at what we had just bared witness to. We spent the next three hours reliving the movie piece by piece in all of its horrendous glory and enjoying every minute of that 180 minute recap of a movie that only ran about 120 minutes. Still to this day we talk about it and laugh together. This movie, this terrible piece of garbage that one can only assume was found lying abandoned in a trash can somewhere, led to hours of joy and bonding

So, now that I have rambled on for far too long, my point in a nutshell. Some of the best times can be found in experiencing terrible things. While my viewing of "Doogle" will always remain as the worst movie I have ever seen it will also be an experience that I am glad to have. Going to the movies is not about what movie you see. It's not about witnessing a masterpiece. It's about getting out of the house, spending time with friends and loved ones. It's about getting a chance to escape from reality for an hour rather than sitting at home and worrying about your bills, grades, job or whatever might be going on in ones life. The cinema is about the opportunity and experience, the setting and the overly buttered popcorn. The content of the movie itself is just an added plus (or in the case of "Doogle", an added brightly colored screen to stare at). And anyone not willing to pay $5 for this or failure to understand how I am willing to do so has yet to see movies in this way. So next time you have a chance to go see a movie, do it. But this time instead of simply going and sitting there judging it on how funny, scary, sad etc. that it is focus instead on the experience. Make a night of it. Get dinner, go shopping or even just grab a coffee after. Talk about the movie. Enjoy the fact that instead of sitting at home watching re-runs of Seinfeld for three hours you are out with friends, experiencing something together that you will be able to relive over and over.

Introduction

Every blog needs an introduction in my opinion. How else can readers know what to expect or where the blog is coming from right? So here it goes.

This is essentially going to be a blog for me to post previous writings and future thoughts, appifanies and debauchery. As the title would lead you to assume it will cover life, love, alcohol and so much more. After all who the hell titles a blog something that has nothing to do with its content. I'm no writer by any means but it seems like that would make sense to me.

Expect drunken entries, to laugh, to be insulted, attempts at wit, and random cameos from Paris Hilton (ok, maybe not as I neither have a connection nor would I want or seek one, it's Paris Hilton for God's sake). A few things to keep in mind as you explore through the plethera of mind blowing theories, thoughts and musings you will come across:

1. as previously stated (and I hope you've kept up with me to this point at least) some of these were written previously. I now have graduated college and some of the early posts will be from my college years. You should be able to develop a timeline from the content.

2. I have no qualms about insulting people. Most people are too sensitive these days. If I ran over a cat and found some comic relief in it you damn well know I'm going to post it. Thick skinned people suck.

3. I'm not a great writer, or a particularly good one for that matter. I don't mean I have bad content. I'd hope not or I'd have no business writing this. I mean more along the lines of punctuation and grammar. As some of you will probably have noticed 10 missed commas already. Despite being 22 and growing up with computers I still can't type without looking at the keyboard and I'm far too impatient to re-read everything I type. Correct me if you want but I'll probably just ignore you anyway.

4. My final point is this. This is my first entry, an introduction and it sucks. I know it, you know it, your grandmother knows it (see that's not even somewhat funny). Don't judge me on for it. The rest get better I promise. If not, I lied. but You won't know without reading it anyway so I still win.

So with that in mind here it is. If you ever have any suggestions, requests for a topic or anything let me know. I'm always running out of things to write about so input's always appreciated.