Theories, Only Awesome

I am about to drop a bomb on you. That’s right; this is going to blow your mind. It’s an explanation for two of the greatest mysteries known to man. Now while I admit I have no evidence to support my claims, actual evidence for these mysteries is essentially impossible to exist. Instead I shall demonstrate the ways in which my answer makes sense. It is a theory and nothing more, but a groundbreaking theory and therefore must be shared.

Let us start simple. We have life. Now, let’s think about how life is. Some people will say it is glorious and magnificent, while others will claim it to be hell and punishment. Let’s all be honest here though. Life is neither one nor the other. Overall it’s ok, kind of a mixed bag. You have your ups and your downs, your kicks to the groin (like the death of a family member), and your moments on cloud nine (like getting laid for the first time).

New topic now. At one point in our lives many of us have experienced something and felt like we had done, been, or seen the same thing before even though it is impossible. Sometimes it’s so strong that we almost know what is going to happen next (but if you have noticed it’s never anything helpful, what the hell is up with that?). It is crazy and in explainable. It is called déjà vu.

Finally we have something for all you fun loving Catholics out there (yes Catholics have fun too, and not just with little boys). There is this magical place referred to as, wait for it, drum roll please……..it’s: Purgatory (yay, crowd goes wild, people cheer, confetti is everywhere). Although, I guess the crowd should actually just go “meh” as that is what purgatory is essentially supposed to be like. It’s ok, you got shit to do to make up for your sins and what not, but its sure not like living in hell, getting a pineapple shoved up your ass ala Hitler in Little Nicky (yes, if you haven't seen it, Hitler spends every morning having a pineapple forcebly inserted into his anus by the devil).

Now let’s start piecing this together shall we. Most of the intelligent readers have already caught on to one of the ideas (if you’re not one of them I’ll give you one more chance to read the previous paragraphs, if you still don’t know you should probably just stop reading this now as it will all be over your head, thanks for stopping by, I’ll write a children’s book for you next time). Sorry random tangent there, but yes I was comparing life to purgatory. I don’t need to run through the definitions again I’m sure so seriously, do they not sound eerily similar? Could it not be possible that this is just a chance to make up for our previous errors? But wait if this is a chance to make up for our errors in the past than when was the past that we committed said errors?

Yay, the best part of this whole article, the explanation of déjà vu. What would explain déjà vu? We all have mystical powers and can see the future? If that were the case there would be a lot of gypsies living on the street (well I mean still living on the street, only with less money to afford their crystal balls and such). I have a better suggestion. Perhaps those crazy Hindus were on to something with their reincarnation idea. Perhaps after we die we are born again into the same life and live it over and over. This could explain déjà vu and even those crazier occurrences of having déjà vu about having déjà vu. Sometimes you feel like you have had the same experience like five times and you even remember having déjà vu about it the fourth, third and second time. This explains it all. Hooray crazy harebrained ideas are coming together.

Now, wait, I am not done. I did say I was going to explain two things which I sort of did already, but each still sounds crazy and farfetched. However as the elite of you may have started contemplating already these ideas tie together to form one MEGA IDEA, duh duh duhhh. Reincarnation is purgatory!!! What you say, how could this be? Well let’s examine. You live your life the first time. You suck at it, way to go, fail-tacular, you sinned one too many damn times (especially that hooker in Vegas during your bachelor party) but you did work at that soup kitchen once, hooray you don’t quit deserve damnation. Instead you get to live your life over again as a form of punishment known as……. Purgatory, good job. Now you go along this time and, you decide not to fornicate with said hooker this time (possibly due to déjà vu and then realizing what was about to happen would end with your fiancée leaving you), however you then went on to cheat on your wife after you got married, way to go moron. You did however work at the soup kitchen still so hooray, still no hell. But guess what, another dose of purgatory for you! This of course brings on possibilities for the early mentioned déjà vu of déjà vu. This goes on and on until finally you become a priest or something (and again, I am not talking about those that get it on with small children, pretty sure that’s a big enough setback to get you the Hitler punishment). Anyway this goes on and on and assumedly if and when we get it right, hooray heaven, here we come.

To sum up for those clueless people from earlier who didn’t stop reading when I told them to, I have explained what purgatory is and déjà vu. We live our lives over and over again due to the fact that we slept with a hooker, took one too many hits off the crack pipe, kicked that baby just to see how far he would go etc. etc. and thus get stuck reincarnated as a form of purgatory so that we can get it right this time. Then since we live our lives over again we remember moments from the previous life resulting in déjà vu. I have now explained déjà vu, life and purgatory, any questions? Well I don’t care if you have any but feel free to leave them anyway.

Disclaimer: This in no way reflects my personal beliefs and is meant to screw with gullible people. However wouldn’t that be cool as shit if this all turned out to be right.